He was right about one thing - being Tank Girl, although his ability to turn you into a mouse was fleeting at best, as the power in your writing here attests. Back when we were signing contracts for the Tank Girl movie with MGM, they wanted to know what T.G.'s real name was (for origin story etc.). We didn't have a name, so I suggested Becky, as Jamie had always said that those seminal, bald, badass images of her he had drawn early on were based on you, and her character was an amalgamation of all the crazy-arsed girls we lived with at Wyke Ave - Sharon, Suzanne, Zan, and you. And so Tank Girl's real name became Becky, with the surname Buck, after Peter Buck from REM. Becky Buck. So, for what it's worth, you are embedded in the DNA of a B-list comic character, not just from back in the day, but with what you write here. You'll always be a touchstone when we're putting Tank Girl comics together. You inspire. Thank you. A x
Gosh, thanks Alan, what a beautiful and empowering message. So pleased you enjoyed the writing, it took me a long time (2 years) to be brave enough to post it. Really lovely to hear the Tank Girl origin story too. I am ridiculously honoured to have contributed in any small way to yours and Jamie's incredible creation. Becky Buck - what a great name! Lots of love to you xx
Well done for getting it out there. I love your writing on Substack, it's so fucking real. You really dig that venom out with a rusty penknife. Stay brilliant. Love to you too xxx
‘How to say ‘I am done with all your shit’ to someone who’d made me so small …… ‘ and I could write down so much of what you said.
I am always blown away by how articulate these accounts I keep coming across are. Writing and writing helped to keep me semi sane as the rotten marriage finally blew apart and subsequent torturous divorce but I couldn’t share any of it. Streams of consciousness and trying to make sense of the horror and callousness of what was happening to me and my children …. Poor whingeing stuff that makes me ache and squirm rereading it.
I'm so sorry for what you went through too, Emily. It can feel really difficult and exposing writing about these kind of experiences, but cathartic at least to get the streams of consciousness down. I wish you well and hope things are levelling for you x
I loved this. Although troubling, in some ways. Some of my ex-girlfriends from way back might read this and be reminded of me. I do hope not, but self-awareness is the most difficult of all the awarenesses...
Gosh, just so brilliantly written. Mutant empathy…now there’s a thought. I share the part that has little, or perhaps no, self-regard. I’ve come to appreciate that it came into being as a way to avoid the pain and confusion of injustice, ‘if I deserve all the awful things then this all makes perfect sense’ kinda thing… I’m relieved that this is (so brilliantly) written from a good place. Thank you for the love.
Thanks so much Chloe, and you’re absolutely right, that avoidance of hurt is often only possible through some kind of negation of self, or denial of the good stuff. My love to you and wishes for us both to bring the light back inside ✨
Sensational writing, if I may say. youve found a way to stand outside and inside things at the same time. we can feel who you were then but also stand with who you are now. Thank yoy
Ooft. I was the band girlfriend about three years ago and already I recognise and relate to the sense of long ago history in this. What a wonderful piece.
Stunningly written. I so relate to wasting many years of my 20’s with a total Peter Pan because I believed I was the lucky one that he’d chosen. Caught up in the age old ‘I can rescue and save him’ story. Loved this piece of writing.
Wow, this was recommended in my Substack Reads digest. Excellent piece, I sent it to my bestie too, who’s recently post-break up. I’m a girl-in-a-band, and I think we’ve all had this kind of boyfriend at some point—when we’re adults but still growing up. Thanks for sharing your story ❤️
Thanks so much, Shannon, really pleased the read resonated, and sorry too — how do all these dreadful blokes manage to find space in our young explorative lives!
I’m reading so (too) many accounts of relationships like this and strangely they’re all by women. What a shit world we inhabit. Thank you for having the strength to share your experience.
Thanks so much, Karen, and yes it seems (some) women have a habit of attempting to rescue useless men, then they end up getting manipulated. I hope this is generational and young girls now aren't being raised with these 'saviour' notions. Thanks for reading.
Really powerful memoir, thank you. Also wonderful discussion of memoir — the meta elements, which will especially stay with me (not least because so beautifully written).
”Again, I stand two steps outside of myself. Perhaps, revisiting these events is to do with my kids being roughly the same age now as I was then. Or the well of me has become so full that old junk needs to float to the surface. A film of scum to be skimmed off and disposed of.”
”Perhaps the words I’d already written had squeezed out the last of the poison after thirty or so years. He’d been one of my chapters, now so distant the whole experience belonged to someone else, my cells having replaced themselves enough times that nothing of me here and now has been in contact with anything of him. Except for memory and its neurological trickery of keeping this kind of shit alive. Scar tissue renews as a scar even though the skin is new.”
I just love reading your writing, as you know, and this read like such a necessary but completely unexpected sharing.
For others who’ve grown up that can relate, and for younger generations who may be living through some alternate situation. But really for you. And maybe for him. And for anyone connected to either of you during that time.
Yeah, fuck it definitely. It can be a tough life lesson to realise that to truly understand and value love and warmth, you likely have to experience pain and rejection.
This piece read like a moment in time, a very present piece that not just reflected on the past but recognised where you are today. And whilst the pendulum of life surely swung in your favour with this situation many years ago, you’re now at a point where you can share, own and see this chapter for what it really was. With wisdom, strength, joy and life experience now fully on your side. A good place to be. I hope you feel all the better for it.
Thanks again for sharing this, looking forward to the next piece…
Thanks so much Leo, I’m really touched the piece moved you. It did feel like I was getting something out of my system, and I spent a long time wondering if I should put it out there because of how real and exposing it is, then I just thought, ‘fuck it,’ people need to hear this stuff and not feel alone in it. Lots of love to you guys ♥️
He was right about one thing - being Tank Girl, although his ability to turn you into a mouse was fleeting at best, as the power in your writing here attests. Back when we were signing contracts for the Tank Girl movie with MGM, they wanted to know what T.G.'s real name was (for origin story etc.). We didn't have a name, so I suggested Becky, as Jamie had always said that those seminal, bald, badass images of her he had drawn early on were based on you, and her character was an amalgamation of all the crazy-arsed girls we lived with at Wyke Ave - Sharon, Suzanne, Zan, and you. And so Tank Girl's real name became Becky, with the surname Buck, after Peter Buck from REM. Becky Buck. So, for what it's worth, you are embedded in the DNA of a B-list comic character, not just from back in the day, but with what you write here. You'll always be a touchstone when we're putting Tank Girl comics together. You inspire. Thank you. A x
Gosh, thanks Alan, what a beautiful and empowering message. So pleased you enjoyed the writing, it took me a long time (2 years) to be brave enough to post it. Really lovely to hear the Tank Girl origin story too. I am ridiculously honoured to have contributed in any small way to yours and Jamie's incredible creation. Becky Buck - what a great name! Lots of love to you xx
Well done for getting it out there. I love your writing on Substack, it's so fucking real. You really dig that venom out with a rusty penknife. Stay brilliant. Love to you too xxx
♥️♥️♥️
Thank you Rebecca. So much I can relate to.
‘How to say ‘I am done with all your shit’ to someone who’d made me so small …… ‘ and I could write down so much of what you said.
I am always blown away by how articulate these accounts I keep coming across are. Writing and writing helped to keep me semi sane as the rotten marriage finally blew apart and subsequent torturous divorce but I couldn’t share any of it. Streams of consciousness and trying to make sense of the horror and callousness of what was happening to me and my children …. Poor whingeing stuff that makes me ache and squirm rereading it.
I'm so sorry for what you went through too, Emily. It can feel really difficult and exposing writing about these kind of experiences, but cathartic at least to get the streams of consciousness down. I wish you well and hope things are levelling for you x
I loved this. Although troubling, in some ways. Some of my ex-girlfriends from way back might read this and be reminded of me. I do hope not, but self-awareness is the most difficult of all the awarenesses...
Gosh, just so brilliantly written. Mutant empathy…now there’s a thought. I share the part that has little, or perhaps no, self-regard. I’ve come to appreciate that it came into being as a way to avoid the pain and confusion of injustice, ‘if I deserve all the awful things then this all makes perfect sense’ kinda thing… I’m relieved that this is (so brilliantly) written from a good place. Thank you for the love.
Thanks so much Chloe, and you’re absolutely right, that avoidance of hurt is often only possible through some kind of negation of self, or denial of the good stuff. My love to you and wishes for us both to bring the light back inside ✨
‘I hover above the words on this page so I can write them.’
Wow. Brilliant and inspiring Bex.
🙏♥️🙏
So much of this resonated for me and will for other women. Brilliant x
Thanks so much, Anna, and I’m sorry it resonates too. Really sad how common this shit is. Love to you x
Sensational writing, if I may say. youve found a way to stand outside and inside things at the same time. we can feel who you were then but also stand with who you are now. Thank yoy
Thanks so much, James! Writing the piece felt a little like time-travel :)
Ooft. I was the band girlfriend about three years ago and already I recognise and relate to the sense of long ago history in this. What a wonderful piece.
Thank you, Eleanor. Glad it's long ago history for you too :)
Stunningly written. I so relate to wasting many years of my 20’s with a total Peter Pan because I believed I was the lucky one that he’d chosen. Caught up in the age old ‘I can rescue and save him’ story. Loved this piece of writing.
Thank you so much. Sorry too you had a similar experience, sadly such a common relationship theme of our 20’s. Glad you made it out :)
Wow, this was recommended in my Substack Reads digest. Excellent piece, I sent it to my bestie too, who’s recently post-break up. I’m a girl-in-a-band, and I think we’ve all had this kind of boyfriend at some point—when we’re adults but still growing up. Thanks for sharing your story ❤️
Thanks so much, Shannon, really pleased the read resonated, and sorry too — how do all these dreadful blokes manage to find space in our young explorative lives!
Yes so well written. Lean, vital with edge. Pretty-Power- that deserves a piece in itself...
Thanks so much. You're right, there's a whole world of writing I could do on 'pretty-power.' Watch this space :)
Thank you for this powerful piece, and gratitude and respect for all it took to write and share it. ♥️
Thanks so much, Allison x
I found this a really powerful, wonderfully written piece of memoir.
Thank you, Jeffrey :)
I’m reading so (too) many accounts of relationships like this and strangely they’re all by women. What a shit world we inhabit. Thank you for having the strength to share your experience.
Thanks so much, Karen, and yes it seems (some) women have a habit of attempting to rescue useless men, then they end up getting manipulated. I hope this is generational and young girls now aren't being raised with these 'saviour' notions. Thanks for reading.
Really powerful memoir, thank you. Also wonderful discussion of memoir — the meta elements, which will especially stay with me (not least because so beautifully written).
”Again, I stand two steps outside of myself. Perhaps, revisiting these events is to do with my kids being roughly the same age now as I was then. Or the well of me has become so full that old junk needs to float to the surface. A film of scum to be skimmed off and disposed of.”
”Perhaps the words I’d already written had squeezed out the last of the poison after thirty or so years. He’d been one of my chapters, now so distant the whole experience belonged to someone else, my cells having replaced themselves enough times that nothing of me here and now has been in contact with anything of him. Except for memory and its neurological trickery of keeping this kind of shit alive. Scar tissue renews as a scar even though the skin is new.”
Thanks so much for your lovely comment. I’m so pleased you found the piece powerful and ‘meta’ (love that) x
I just love reading your writing, as you know, and this read like such a necessary but completely unexpected sharing.
For others who’ve grown up that can relate, and for younger generations who may be living through some alternate situation. But really for you. And maybe for him. And for anyone connected to either of you during that time.
Exercising the demons.
Yeah, fuck it definitely. It can be a tough life lesson to realise that to truly understand and value love and warmth, you likely have to experience pain and rejection.
This piece read like a moment in time, a very present piece that not just reflected on the past but recognised where you are today. And whilst the pendulum of life surely swung in your favour with this situation many years ago, you’re now at a point where you can share, own and see this chapter for what it really was. With wisdom, strength, joy and life experience now fully on your side. A good place to be. I hope you feel all the better for it.
Thanks again for sharing this, looking forward to the next piece…
♥️♥️♥️
Thanks so much Leo, I’m really touched the piece moved you. It did feel like I was getting something out of my system, and I spent a long time wondering if I should put it out there because of how real and exposing it is, then I just thought, ‘fuck it,’ people need to hear this stuff and not feel alone in it. Lots of love to you guys ♥️